Re: Horizon
by Death-of-Penguins-and-Zannah
Summary: Before heading to the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard replies to Kaidan's Horizon letter, and Kaidan ponders his feelings for her. References to multiple relationships, FShepard/Liara, FShepard/Kaidan.


Kaidan,

I got your email. Yeah, I know I got it straight after Horizon, but I wasn't ready to deal with it right then. I wasn't really ready to deal with any of the shit you threw at me right then.

Damn it. I hated you, Kaidan. I never thought it was physically possible for me to outright hate you, but I did. I was so angry at you. Hell, it's the closest I've ever come to hitting you. Not trusting Cerberus I get. I don't trust them either, and nothing you or the Illusive Man says is going to alter my perception. But I am not a traitor. I haven't betrayed my ideals, and I sure as hell haven't betrayed the Alliance.

Honestly, I didn't know whether to punch you or kiss you.

I guess it doesn't matter now. I'm going into the Omega Relay, and there's a chance I might not come back alive. I don't have a whole lot of regrets right now. I got to see Liara. Told her I still love her. I think she thought that she had changed too much, or that I hadn't changed enough, but I love her more because of it.

I've seen just about everybody I need to, and I visited the Normandy's crash site to say goodbye. It still feels like it was only a few weeks ago at the most.

I haven't stopped caring for people either – it's nice to know that some things never really change, and that you can always find someone, even when everything looks grim.

But enough of my rambling. I'm not stupid enough to think that you still feel the same about me. Believe me, I know. I regret that we didn't ever get anywhere, but I'm still glad I got to see you again. Because it's only been five minutes for me, I still love Kaidan Alenko, whoever he might be now. If I die again, I think my biggest regret would be ending things on bad terms with you. So in case this is goodbye again, I love you and I forgive you for acting like an ass. Good luck with your Doctor lady – I'm sure that she's a beautiful person.

Sally Shepard

Kaidan read and re-read the email he had received from Shepard. When he had first seen the message appear in his inbox it had rooted him to the spot. He spent a good ten minutes staring at the little message icon, wondering if he should even open it. The Alliance had expressly forbid him to contact Shepard unless they needed information. He had ignored them by sending Shepard the mail after Horizon. It had been a garbled message, mostly consisting of him coming on and coming off. He had tried to be honest, but he honestly didn't know what he felt any more. If he hadn't been drinking whiskey, he might just have deleted the damn thing.

But whiskey was flowing through his veins, and it wasn't as if he was going to work well thinking about her.

He couldn't believe that she was alive. The last time they had spoken (before she had… gone), Shepard was in a relationship with Liara. Even with that, Shepard still hadn't given up on him. She knew. Damn her, she knew that he loved her. But she wouldn't give up Liara. And she damn well wasn't about to give up her 'freedom', whatever that meant.

Kaidan sighed. He was being unfair. Shepard wouldn't have said anything if she had thought her Lieutenant was going to react badly. She must've figured that if he was up for flirting with her, then he wouldn't have any problems with the polyamory. Well...

He still loved Shepard. He hadn't stopped loving her, really. When he had thought that she was dead, it was like missing a limb. He could still walk, but it hurt so much and he couldn't tell anybody how bad it was. Staff-Commanders weren't allowed to have weaknesses.

Oh God, Kaidan thought. "Is this what they did to her?" He asked nobody in particular. If he resented Shepard because of something that she couldn't help…

No. Love wasn't about someone else giving up everything to make one person feel better. Love was about loving someone because they were themselves, and not wanting them to change a thing. Even if you didn't like it, you had to love it.

And he loved Shepard.

But Cerberus…

Cerberus was not something that Kaidan could bring himself to trust. No matter how much he might love Shepard, he couldn't bring himself to support a terrorist organisation. _But you don't have the guts to take her down,_ said the treacherous, migraine-inducing voice at the back of his head. No. No, he wouldn't be able to hurt her, not even for working for Cerberus. The thought of killing her made the hand grasping the whiskey glass shake. He wouldn't be able to do it if he was asked.

It was a difficult night to sit through. Kaidan knew that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he knew one way or the other what had happened, and he wouldn't know what happened until the Alliance knew for sure.


End file.
